Having never won an Academy Award — never even nominated! — I am exactly as qualified as most critics to tell you what I think could be better next year.
Not that this year’s awards were bad, but there’s always some cringe-worthy stuff that makes me thing, “Geez, someone should tell them not to do that.”
This year, I’m that someone. Academy members, pay attention to my list for next year, and the ceremony will go even more smoothly than it did this year. In no particular order:
1. Don’t thank companies. I don’t care if XYZ Production or Uber Distribution really did help you with your film. Either care enough to thank the people involved, or skip it.
2. No lists. Thankfully, there weren’t any crib sheets that I saw this year, but too many “speeches” were still just long lists of all the bigwigs associated with a film. Yes, we know that it takes a lot of people to make a feature motion picture. You don’t have to thank all of them.
3. Let the little guys talk. When Joe Schmoe and his partner Jack Schmoe are nominated for their first-ever Oscar, and they win, and it’s for something like Best Sound Editing in a Foreign Documentary Animated Short, I understand that the celebs want to get on with it before their tushies fall asleep. But it’s pretty damn rude to only let one guy talk and then shut off the microphone 20 seconds later when Schmoe No. 2 approaches. That’s especially rude because you can apparently afford fifteen minutes for self-congratulatory starlets to flub their teleprompter lines.
4. It’s “Precious.” Full stop. Please drop the subtitle crap like “Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire.” Thankfully, many people dropped it when speaking, but there it was, all over the screen.
5. Bring back “The envelope please” and “The Oscar goes to…” Why was everyone all of a sudden saying “The winner is…”? When a large proportion of your audience is tuning in just because of tradition, shouldn’t you, perhaps, stick with it?
6. Offer speechwriting lessons, or services, to nominees. When Christoph Waltz told a story, instead of reciting a stumbling list of names (see Rule No. 2, above) or companies (see Rule No. 1, also above), it was the highlight of the night, for acceptances. Too bad it was the first one. His speech nicely encapsulated all the reasons why his award was suprising, humbling, and yet perfectly deserved. Sandra Bullock wasn’t doing too poorly, focusing on the other nominees with wit, until she started babbling about all the mothers in the world “who are never recognized.” Perhaps she missed every other nominee in the history of the Oscars, who has thanked his or her mom?
7. Time limit for presenters. If the dude who wins an Oscar is limited to 30 seconds before the music cuts in and the microphone cuts out, why did Ben Stiller get to overdo his N’avi joke until it was way past funny?
Okay, that’s seven — and I’m pretty sure we can get to 10, with a few comments. (I actually had a sheet going during the telecast, but I left it at Amy’s parents’ place, so I’m working from memory. I may have missed a few irritants that I jotted down at the time.)
Now, chime in with your own.
Grant Hamilton
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thebanana
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Juel